Stumpy Had To Go!

My home town is being attacked…

BY PIGEONS!!!!!!!!!!

I hate pigeons so much. They take over cities first, and coo, and flap their wings and fly right over your heads RIGHT before they crap on you. They’re evil. Extremely so.

I warn the public since there is an entire flock in rural New England (and by flock I mean at least fifteen that I’ve seen all together at once). And if you don’t want to be crapped on, or cooed at, then you best steer clear. It seems like Canada or Alaska are good choices, since it is unlikely that it is warm enough to support pigeon life.

But please, do what you can to protect yourself from pigeons. Here are some helpful tips:

1.) Always stomp at them when they come too near.

2.) If the evil birds still persist, you can holler, clap your hands, or create startling movement (much like you would do in extreme cases to get rid of a black bear).

3.) And most importantly, if you see these demonic specimens of bird life,
I beg you, do NOT follow Mary Poppins’s instructions and feed the birds! It may be the last thing you do.

4.) And if you have good aim, like my cousin, you can hit some with a stale end piece of a baguette. While not advised, since the birds you don’t hit will automatically beg for food, it is resourceful when the birds are causing a ruckus between themselves.